Get thee to a nunnery

A Nun Prepares for Lent. 

Either The Church is relaxing its standards or someone in the blogosphere is having a little fun with a nun costume and/or Photoshop. Regardless. If I were a nun, this is probably the kind of nun I'd be...

[10 Examples of Nuns Behaving Badly]

The Tao of Twitter

There are 23.7 million tweets per day, on average, mostly human in origin. But that could be changing, if this post on HuffPo is any indication.

Animals, beds, toilets, trees, shoes, chairs and even bathroom scales are increasingly invading the Twitterverse. Apparently oversharing, self-promotion and narcissistic solipsism are not traits exclusive to homo sapiens.

A Tale of Two Chimps: Part 1

What a traumatic news-cycle this week has been for our nearest living relations within the animal kingdom. I keep thinking of all those baby chimps out there, in their wittle diapers and parked in front of some TV somewhere, maybe an ice cream cone in hand... and maybe at this very moment one of them is watching that endlessly looped clip of the gunned-down Crazed Chimp of Connecticut... the lifeless chimp body being dragged away by his police executioners... Heartrending, just heartrending.

* Pants Sold Separately

(Shudder). I may not date for months. Novelty T-shirts are one thing. But this?? It looks like it was manufactured using the Shroud of Turin method.

So if you want one of these for yourself, don't expect me to play enabler by providing you with a link. Go to Google. The search keywords should be rather obvious...

Knitting Subway Dude, You Just Brightened my Day...

"Knit 1, Purl 2, Knit 1, Purl-- Dang, I think I dropped a stitch..."

Overheard Between Putin and Sarkozy

This real exchange between Vladimir Putin and Nicolas Sarkozy is too funny not to share. It happened last August when Sarkozy flew to Moscow to convince Putin not to overthrow Saakashvili, the President of Georgia:

PUTIN:

I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls.

SARKOZY:

Hang him?

PUTIN:
Why not? The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein.

SARKOZY:
Yes but do you want to end up like Bush?

(a beat)

PUTIN:
Ah, you have scored a point there.

Hehe... Diplomatic relations between world leaders can be so funny/stupid... Who knew?

Here's my source: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article5147422.ece

Fast Times At Global High

Jae C. Hong/AP

Oh. my. dorkiness. This is why the French should stick to being French, rather than try to pull off American "cool" (or the French idea of American cool, anyway--um, Nicolas, no one in America thinks Fonzie is cool anymore. Aaaayhh!). No wonder Sarkozy's opponents in France snarkily refer to him as "Sarkozy the American." And is Sarkozy trying to, like, hold Obama's hand, there?!

The way Sarkozy keeps tripping all over himself to get closer to "my buddy, Obama"... So High School, isn't it? It's like, Obama's the cool new kid, and Sarkozy is the geek who tries waay too hard, and is desperate to get Obama to sit at his table during Lunch. Oh Nicolas...

When "Pitbulls" Turn Whiny...

So now it's the bloggers' fault, eh? Well, according to Sarah Palin, all her woes are due to us "bloggers in their parents' basement, just talking garbage." Wow--Look who's being "nasty" and "mean-spirited" now... (But don't worry, Matt Drudge, she didn't mean you--your garbage is exempt, clearly.)

Actually, I wish my parents had a basement (as if they'd ever let me stay there, even if they did). It would certainly take me back to those wood-panelled scenes-of-seduction from my high school days... when Led Zeppelin played on the stereo, and the lava-lamps were all aglow...

Nice try, Sarah. But it can't be everyone else's fault, all the time... can it? Don't they teach you in the Pentecostal Church to, um, look within? Like, ever?

What Science Can Teach You About Love

1) Avoid the crowded Speed-Dating events: If you're stronger in substance than surface-appeal, that is. Because the larger the group, the more likely humans are to rely on crude approaches to picking a mate--in other words, they go for looks. Pretty much every time. So the witty-but-plain wallflowers will stay wallflowers, while the "lookers" in the group suck up all the attention--it's like high school, all over again... (sigh). In smaller groups, though, people are more willing to consider and trade-off different qualities in prospective mates--like physical attractiveness for, say, personality.

2) Women: Don't ask your women friends to set you up: Why? Sexual Competition for Mates. Studies show that women of childbearing age hate a pretty face... and will rate you as less attractive than you actually are. If you're of childbearing age, that is. If you're menopausal, they don't give a sh*t, and will rate your looks fairly.

3) Men: Don't be lazy lovers: It pays to woo... if you're a male redback spider anyway. Because female redback spiders kill and eat male suitors that go for the quick-sex instead of an extended courtship. True, the female always starts to eat the male during copulation... but if that male took the time to woo (by plucking her web and beating on her abdomen--??!), she'll let him escape (after a quick nibble) 90% of the time... so that they can have another go at it, maybe, in the future.

4) Beware of singing musicians: For male finches, it's the singing itself to a potential mate that gives them a sense of euphoria... and the kind of high we humans get from drugs and alcohol and, well, sex. Singing solo doesn't do it, either--they need a cute "bird" to sing to (ha). Any bird, probably. (I knew it! No wonder why I've been less than lucky with those heart-breakin' front-men I've known...)

Read the science for yourself here: http://www.newscientist.com/topic/love

A Man of Mixed Metaphors

Penny for your thoughts, Rahm?

Or... maybe I could just, um, tuck this crisp $20 into your--

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the new White House Chief of Staff is starting to look reeeally sexy to me... I know, I know--he's short, and funny looking, and missing a finger... and he's not even the good-looking brother (supposedly that's his younger, taller brother Ari, the Hollywood agent). But Rahm... he's got a little sumthin'-sumthin'... And would you look at those eyes? Those devilish, devilish eyes? And that's a stripper-smile, if ever I've seen one...

But maybe the hottest thing of all (for me, anyway), he's famous for mangling the English language with the most mixed-up mix of mixed-metaphors, and at a rapid-fire pace--see, he's even, like, my linguistic soul mate! "Rahmbonics" is the term coined by his friends and colleagues to describe Rahm's "creative" use of language. Here are some examples:

"He'd say something like you can't kick a field goal in the ninth inning," recalls Jake Siewert, a longtime friend and former Clinton press secretary.

"We have to slam shut the revolving door between drugs and crime."--Rahm Emanuel

To Bob Schieffer on "Face the Nation": "We had a crisis, we kicked it down the can. These are – just taking those two examples, these are crises you can no longer afford to kick down the can. The crisis we have here, the American people know we have one and they are ready and willing to start to tackle those problems. You cannot afford now to kick those down the can any longer."

To "This Week" host, George Stephanopoulos: "So this provides an opportunity to finally tackle the issues that for too long have been postponed, kicked down the road – kicked down the road, basically."

OK, so he's a little "Rainman" in his use of language, as well as rather "Rambo" in personality and style... But it works (growl)--for this weirdo blogger anyway...

Obama may be the Cary Grant of The West Wing... but this salt-n-peppa unlikely hottie just may be the Jon-Stewart-esque sleeper in that getting-sexier-by-the-day Wing...

Here's my source: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1108/15510.html

How To Repair Your Image Using The Same Media You Once Shunned

I know, I know... I keep saying I'm not going to talk about Sarah Palin anymore. But she keeps invading my airwaves the way Putin supposedly invades the airspace above her front porch... So. Until Sarah Palin shuts up, I can't shut up.

Here's how to repair your badly damaged image, Sarah Palin style:

1) Make sure the cameramen get lots of shots of you cookin' up some Moose Chili and such.

2) Hide the vast stash of Mountain Dew stockpiled in your kitchen.

3) Make sure your children keep all their wild critters well hidden until Matt Lauer leaves (As well as their child-sized shotguns).

4) Dress your youngest daughter in an "I heart NY" T-shirt to show how much you actually love those snarky elitist intellectual snobs at The New York Times--Bless their hearts!

5) Remind/Correct that same daughter, on camera, that Campaign Learnin' is far more valuable than Book Learnin'--isn't it, Piper? (Grit teeth here) Because Piper didn't really mean it when she complained to Matt that she hated all those campaign rallies and all the school-days she unfortunately missed... now did you, Piper.

6) Wear the same ugly from-my-favorite-consignment-shop-in-Anchorage pink jacket you wore the day after the ShoppingGate story broke. And remind us all of how not-nearly-as-cute you were before all those gays (Bless their hearts!) and stylists got their hands on you.

7) Insist that you and John McCain actually really love each other, and still talk practically every day. (Um... we all noticed the awkward body-language between you two, Sarah. And if John calls his own wife a c*nt in public (in jest, I hope), what do you think he calls you behind closed doors, hmm?)

Latest Gallup Poll: Obama 53%, Santa Claus 46%

Another old white man is getting his ass whooped by Obama in the latest polls. "Dear Santa" letters are expected to hit an historic low this Christmas, as more and more children take their wish-lists straight to Obama this year instead of to Santa. The poor elves are trying their best to put on a happy face and keep the North Pole a bummer-free zone for Santa. But behind closed doors, an alarming number of elves are being diagnosed with depression... and morale is plummeting...

Good God, the man hasn't even taken office yet, and everyone's dumping their wishlists on Obama already. He may be the new President-Elect, but he's just a man. He can't make everyone's Christmas wishes come true. And certainly not all at once.

So everyone please stop treating Obama like he was born in a manger, or something. Go show Santa some love instead... because he really needs it this year. And if you do write to Santa, fer Chrissakes don't ask him for an Obama action-figure, or commemorative plates with Obama's face on them, etc. etc. Show some sensitivity, people. If you can't do it for Santa, then at least do it for the elves...

Sundays with Sus--11/9

What a week. But no hanging chads! No "Bradley effect"! And Palin's back in Alaska--hurrah! So now what? The Obama Campaign awakened this, like, Activist in me... and that soapboxing genie will not be shoved back into her bottle (no matter what her Master says). So.

But every activist does need a great Cause... And here are some options I'm mulling over this Sunday:

1) Help Alaska Secede From the Union: Seriously. I used to have such warm-n-fuzzy impressions of Alaska. It started with "Northern Exposure" (remember that show?), which made Alaska seem so darn quirky and charming in its idiosyncrasies. To me, Alaska was where my parents took their cruises... Where my brother did his fishing... I had no idea what actually lurked within those borders. A governor who thinks Africa is a country! (Even my ten-year-old nephew must be laughing his ass off over that one.) A senator who may be the first convicted felon in history to be elected to the United States Senate! What the $#@*&! is going on up there?!!
So, I'm thinking of packing up my parka and joining the Alaska Secessionist Movement (but as a mole--shhh, don't tell). Except... they'll probably expect me to handle a rifle, huh, and like shoot stuff... So maybe that won't work, after all.
2) Free David Gergen! I love that man about as much as I could love any old white dude who served as an adviser to three Republican Presidents (Nixon, Ford and Reagan). But he served as an adviser to Clinton, too, and he identifies himself as an Independent (hurrah!). Plus he's got this Cat-in-the-Hat quality about him:

Isn't he just... Seussical? And he's the best, always spot-on, voice-of-reason political commentator there is... and far too good for CNN. See, CNN loves to brag about how it's the most trustworthy source in cable news... but that's mostly bull, and hidden bias. At least MSNBC is upfront about its political leanings (see Rachel Maddow and Keith Olberman). But CNN is all sneaky about it... and sometimes sloppy too.
If you don't know David Gergen yet, you should. And once again I say to CNN, Free David Gergen!--you're not worthy. And Mr. Obama, couldn't you please find a special hallowed place for him in your administration? The country would be a far better place as a result... seriously.
Oh, and I still watch CNN all the time... I just make sure to have that salt shaker nearby... just in case.
3) Gay is the New Black: Like being told to drink from the "Coloreds Only" fountain--that's what the passage of Proposition 8 here in California is to gay and lesbian citizens. (I wonder if the 7 out of 10 African American voters who voted yes on Prop 8 realize that.) "Civil Unions" are just as good as "Marriages"? Well, segregated schools in the South once argued that segregation was totally legal because, hey, the schools were separate but "equal." And um, remember those nasty little anti-miscegenation laws that were supposedly just "preserving" the centuries old institution of marriage? Well, a vote for Prop 8 was like a vote for those no-mixing-of-white-with-black-blood marriage laws. That a person could on the same ballot vote first for Obama and then vote yes on Prop 8--The hypocrisy/irony there is too much for me... It really is.

Well, here comes the next Civil Rights movement... because it seems in this country that someone has to be treated like a second-class citizen... always. From "Jim Crow" to "Jim Queer"--is that where this nation is headed? If so, I say OK--bring on the "Gays Only" fountains, and restaurants, and theaters/galleries/concert-halls, etc. etc. I may be "entitled" to the "Straights Only" venues... but hey, I'd rather go where much of the funny/talented/aesthetic are... if they'll have me. Because I wouldn't blame them for being really suspicious of all us "straights" right now...

The Wasilla Hillbillies

It helps if you sing along to the lyrics...

The Ballad of John McCain
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
The old Maverick only gained the base's frown.
Then one day he was searching for some "cool",
And down from the North came a bubbling fool...
A brunette, that is... Alaska's "gold"... Pundits' glee.

Well the next thing you know John's dream is but a blur,
Kinfolk said "John, get away from her!"
Said "Independents is the place you ought to be!"
But they loaded up the truck instead and went to Beverly...
Hills, that is... Neiman Marcus... Shopping sprees.

Well, now it's time to say goodbye to John and all his kin.
They'd like to thank you folks fer all the votes that trickled in.
You're all invited back again to this locality,
For a heapin' dose in 2012 of true Insanity...
Hillybilly style, that is... Set a spell... Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

VIDEO: The Onion covers Obama Withdrawal

Oh how I love The Onion at its best. And this "news segment" is great! I'm thinking of sending it to my family, who have been a little worried (for real) about how I'll deal with life now that the election is over. It's hilarious. Go watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3_95F5e-Ac

New White House Chief of Staff: Rahm(bo) Emanuel

“They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!”—David Mamet, The Untouchables

We're all going to hear a lot of back-and-forth about Rahm Emanuel in the coming days... and he's a colorful old-school/new-skool Chicago-style politico, so there's a lot of material there to work with. Here are some of the most colorful bits:

-- Rahmbo once sent a rotting fish to a pollster who had angered him (better than a bloody horse's head in one's bed, I suppose).
--His brother Ari is a Hollywood agent who is said to be the model for the agent "Ari Gold" of that HBO show known as Entourage.
--He was once a ballet dancer--his mother forced him into it, apparently--and a really good one(!??) He was also an Investment Banker once who was in-and-out of Wall Street in two years, after making some serious dough.
--He lost his right middle finger to a meat slicer as a teenager (so we can all guess which finger he uses to flick the bird).
--At one of Clinton's inaugural celebratory dinners, Rahmbo got so angry at Clinton's enemies that he stood up, grabbed a steak knife, and began naming betrayers' names, shouting "Dead! . . . Dead! . . . Dead!", with one plunge of the knife into the table per every name. "When he was done, the table looked like a lunar landscape," one campaign veteran recalls. "It was like something out of The Godfather. But that's Rahm for you." [1]

The writers of SNL are so jumping up and down right now... I just know it. And hardcore Republicans are, at this very moment, sharpening their knives... Maybe some left-wing rogue-ish Democrats too, by some accounts.

But you know what, I say "Good choice, Obama." You are smart to appoint a Chief of Staff who can out-Gingrich any Newt Gingrich that's thrown at you, from either party. Someone who can get things done. Finally. That's the Chicago way...

And I remember well what I learned about Bobby Kennedy during his brother's administration: Bobby was the Hatchet Man, the Bad Cop, the fiercest and most loyal of Attack Dogs, and the one person who had JFK's back, always. Bobby got things done. Bobby took no prisoners. And it was Bobby, who may have been the one to really convince Kruschev to back down in the Cuban Missile Crisis--he told Kruschev that the military hawks were itching to invade Cuba and ready to go "rogue" at any minute... and it seems Kruschev probably believed him. It wasn't about "partisanship" for Bobby, either. It was about loyalty, to his President, and his President's vision for the nation (not his own).

Hehe... Welcome (back) to the White House, Rahmbo. I am really looking forward to SNL's take on you... And I'm glad to learn that the Obama Administration will not be entirely without a comic Achilles Heel...

Read the Rolling Stones piece on "Rahmbo the Enforcer" if you want to learn more about this colorful man: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/8091986/the_enforcer/

My Halloween Costume

I'm so busy blogging these days that I haven't made any time for my usual Arts & Crafts thing. But this mustache-on-a-stick that I saw on sfgirlbybay.blogspot.com inspired me to make one for myself as a Halloween costume. Except mine is made of felt. Took all of 20 minutes, which is as much time as I felt like devoting to a Halloween costume this year. So lazy.

The "Celebrity" Hall of Shame: Sarah Palin

This will be a recurring feature on my blog. "Celebrity" has been placed in quotation marks because I plan to name all those who, imho, behave as though they were celebrities. (And I did 8 years of hard time in The Biz, so I know a bit on that topic).

Today's winner: Governor Sarah Palin.

Congratulations, Ms. Palin. From "Miss Congeniality" to "First Lady" of my Hall of Shame... you've come a long long way, baby.

Shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus funded by the RNC, sticking the Alaskan taxpayers with the travel-expenses bill for your "entourage", trying to wink-and-charm your way out of doing any of your homework, not even the basic Government 101 lessons re: the Constitutionally-defined duties of the Vice President of the United States...

If it walks like a celebrity, and quacks like a celebrity... well, guess what? You, Ms. Palin, are acting like a Celebrity. Sadly, I have no "parting gifts and prizes" for you. But, I am working hard on your Sash (because I'm Arts & Crafts-y like that).

Look, I have no idea what your future role on the national (or world) stage will be, or which way Election 2008 will swing. But please, stop getting all Greta Garbo when it comes time to "Meet the Press." Rush Limbaugh may be part of the "media", but he is most certainly not a journalist. We citizens rely on journalists (the responsible and intellectually rigorous ones, anyway) to act as our watchdogs. Hollywood celebrities have every right to shun the press. Capitol Hill "celebrities" do not--and I'm pretty sure the Founding Fathers would back me up on that point.

And take a cue, Ms. Palin, from that so-called-celebrity, Barack Obama, who actually looks like he could do with a new pair of shoes... http://www.acouplethings.com/blog/2008/10/update-while-obama-resoles-his-shoes-palin-spends-150k-on-clothes/